There is Sadness.

Sadness pervades my every day. I suppose it’s natural to have a dip in your “happiness meter” when your child is a heroin addict. The sadness is like a low level hum in my body. Everyday things are different now. It’s hard to listen to other parents complain about the smallest of things; like disappointment in falling grades. It’s hard to enjoy a glass of wine when you know your child should not. Even previous hobbies, in my case art, become “diversions” (whereas before they set me free). It is hard sometimes to even smile.

It is better than what came before though – which was anxiety. Anxiety based on the false belief that it was up to me to solve my daughter’s problems. Or, at the very least, to put the magic elixir in her hands. Various attempts over the years include enrolling in four different schools within four years, aptitude testing, educational consultants and weekly guidance check-ins. Then came play therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, medication, psychological testing, behavior modification charts, hospitalizations, and family contracts. Then Department of Children and Family intervention, AA meetings, police arrests, court room visits, drug testing, probation, detoxes, rehabs, transitional service facilities, residential homes and sober homes.

I would do it all again. Of course I would. But I have learned to let go of the results. I have replaced my frustration with compassion. This, however, is where the sadness has seeped in.

Sadness because there is resignation. I can not fix this.  I was told this earlier at Al Anon: “you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.” Now I know it to be true. The sick person must ultimately heal themselves.

Resignation and compassion…..better than anxiety and frustration.

And that’s all I can say about this today.

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